How Much Did She/He Cost? – Adoption Questions

I read a lot about how upsetting it is when strangers ask how much your kid cost.

Um … why the anger?

When you go to adoption boards all that we talk about is how much it’s going to cost. Is it an issue of semantics? Are we concerned that people are looking at us with scorn as if we’re “baby stealers” or gasp! “baby buyers”? Guess what, we ARE buying our babies. Now, right about here is where I’ll get all the “I didn’t buy my baby, I paid for the process that brought them into my family”. Yeah … do you know what semantics means?

I’m not sure why people get so upset about it. We all know that adopting costs money. That’s why there are organizations that help adoptive families with adoption costs … because it costs money. Cash. Dinero, Gouda.

My partner is trying to explain that it’s not that adopting doesn’t cost money it’s a) the way they ask (intentions are everything) and b) why they ask (intentions again). He thinks that if people are genuinely asking it’s not so bad. Maybe they want to adopt. Maybe they have a story to share. I guess that’s true. He’s definitely the more level-headed one in the family.

How do you feel when/if people ask you how much it costs to adopt?

Also, families that are the same ethnicity, do you feel you get asked about how much its cost to adopt more times or fewer times than families of mixed ethnicity?


One thought on “How Much Did She/He Cost? – Adoption Questions

  1. Maybe it is just semantics. (I’m a technical writer, so I’m big on semantics and context.) However, I didn’t buy my kids. I didn’t give $33K to one entity to get my son. I paid for a home study, plane tickets, a hotel, 3 months’ rent for his birthmother, a big ol’ fee to the facilitator for the match (which is about as close as you can get to buying a baby, I suppose), attorneys’ fees (for our attorney and the birthmother’s attorney). The attorneys, the social workers, the airline – they all performed services for which they were paid. The facilitator? Well, they did find an expectant mother who wanted to place her baby with us. Then, they didn’t do much of anything else. My son’s birthmother getting rent? She had to have an “emergency” C-section (her labor was badly managed by the hospital) so she couldn’t work for at least 6 weeks. Rent is an allowable expense if the reason she can’t pay it is pregnancy-related, so we paid her rent, and had no problem doing so.

    And yes, there is a difference between someone asking “how much does it [adoption] cost?” vs. “how much did he [my child] cost?”

    I’ve never been asked how much my children cost. I have been asked how much adoption costs, and I’ve been truthful. We’re a transracial adoptive family.

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