A Good Reason NOT to Adopt from Foster Care

I read this on an adoption board and my heart dropped.

Well, It’s been a tough six weeks, and sadly the children were removed by the county, this past Friday. We had requested weeks prior that something be done with the middle child due to her mental condition; which took a great deal of emotions and energy, involving a lot of redirection and time outs, which she did not handle very well. She would pick on her sisters by hitting and bullying. In the discloser there was no mention of mental retardation or any kind of syndrome; and we had two disclosers because our first one was such a cluster frank. Literally, one county CW was fired due to this mess. We found out there was three case files on the girls; and all of them were a disaster including the ones from the county’s contract providers, these people are a joke.

 

God knows we tried our Best to make this situation work; we fell in Love with the girls from the start, and I missed them, but they had so many issues; if it had been one or even two with problems, but not all three. As the weeks went by we stated to notice things that only got worse with time. The girls showed detachment issues, non sympathy toward one another or anyone; and poking and prodding of pets. I feel so sorry for them, and what their parents have done to them. My wife and I have many years of experience with children, but we have only so much energy; especially for the middle child which needs so much attention due to her mental condition. County placement and county child social service departments were doing battle; one department recommended one child be removed, while the other recommended they stay together.

 

Well, placement won this battle, and actually found a family willing to adopt all of them in the midnight hour. The new adoptive family had less than an hour to make a decision to take the children or not after their discloser; do you think they got everything they needed to know about the children? I highly doubt it; even the children’s CW mentioned to us that placement sugar coated a lot of information to the new family. I hope everything works out for the children that we miss very much, and we wish the new parents good luck. Now, were does that leave us? After everything said and done; including lots of apologies from the county and supervision; my wife and I are left with regret, anger, and sadness. We felt used, and abused; and when they were done with us, we were showed and rushed out the door to the curb. “Call us in two months and we will start looking for you again”, that’s what they told us.

 

Yes, I was in shock and still am after everything that has happen but, I believe there is a God and Hope; and we will find those special children that need our Love and attention. My wife and I expected issues, and for the most part there will always be some, but the county dropped the ball on this one and put us in this position. What is the point of asking us a millions questions on what we’re looking for in a kid(s) when they don’t even look at our questionnaire. For the future adoptive parents out there; I highly recommend a full discloser with everything on the table, ask lots of questions about previous placements which is very important, and if you see any red flags stop! And take a step back. And ask yourselves what is your comfort zone with children; County can only tell you what’s on paper, unfortunately it seems like only the numbers matter and what they can get off the books; so do your homework and be alert.

Wowzers! We have been going back and forth about foster-adopt versus private adoption for some time now. Each kind seems to have it’s ugly side. I have no idea what to do at this point. I’m not sure if we should just stop looking to add to our family.

Does anyone know if this kind of thing is common in foster-adopt? Do counties regularly:

  • Lie about the trauma the children have experienced.
  • Lie about the behavioral issues of the child(ren)?
  • Suggest kids that are not in line with what you stated on your questionnaire?

Any advice and/or experience would be great …

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2 thoughts on “A Good Reason NOT to Adopt from Foster Care

  1. We didn’t do foster-adopt for a lot of reasons, and one of them is that, from everything I have read (stories from foster-adopt parents especially), the answer to all of those questions is YES.
    A lot depends on where you are. If you’re in California (and I think you are), then CPS is a MESS right now thanks to the “ongoing budget crisis.” They cut 60% of their CPS social workers. I could go on, as I have a friend who was a CPS worker until about 3 years ago, but I’m not 100% certain you’re in CA.

  2. Yes, I am in California. All of this is so overwhelming. I keep going back and forth between foster-adopt and private mostly because of the whole “stealing babies” thing I keep reading from birthmothers. I love the IDEA of adopting from foster care but there are SOOO many hurdles to jump through. I just feel …

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