More About Finding Babies for Parents that Want to Adopt

I read this article on the NanaDays blog about adult adoptees and I wanted to know if anyone had any insight into the matter. She has pasted a comment from the New York Times Motherlode article entitled “Adoption, Destiny and Magical Thinking.” that reads:

“Because adoption has become more about finding babies for couples wanting to adopt instead of finding families for children truly in need, we have come to the point where the concern is centered more on adoptive parents than children.”

I read a LOT of blogs and things that say that adoption is wrong and that families that are looking to adopt are bad people. Contrast that with this article from the New York Times that claims that the author:

” …. didn’t feel a strong bond with the parents who raised me, and I had anything but a happy childhood. My mother was overly sensitive; my father, ascetic. I was neither. I felt as if I were living with complete strangers. I suspect that my parents felt the same way.”

After she made contact with her biological parents she seemed ambivalent about them:

When I finally had time to take it all in, I felt like the result of a mishandled science experiment. I wondered what might have happened to me if I had been raised by my genetic parents. It seems unlikely that I would have ended up with the degree of ambition that I did, one that surpasses my modest genetic gifts. I was never that smart or talented, but I was scrappy and dogged, and I believed I was owed something. That seems ridiculous now. Family is the luck of the draw, and so is how you turn out.

So some think being adopted was horrible and some say it was … okay … I rarely find things saying that it was great and wonderful.  I’m also wondering if these same feelings are true for those adopted from foster care. Obviously, some parents feel that their children were stolen from them by children’s welfare services but do children end up feeling the same way? Is this the best I can look forward to? Kid(s) that think we’re bad or okay or couldn’t care less?

Teenaged and adult adoptees: How do feel about being adopted?




5 thoughts on “More About Finding Babies for Parents that Want to Adopt

  1. This is such a huge topic, but issues of ethical ambiguity is one of the reasons my husband & I are choosing foster parenting as our path (instead of domestic infant adoption).

    Re: adoptees, I think it’s the unhappiest people who choose to blog. There are adoptees who are content with their lives (I think “happy” might be pushing it — nothing’s perfect, right?) but they’re not jumping online to blog about how … content they are. Ya know?

    Working as a teacher in special education, I know many children who were adopted from foster care, and I guarantee that none of them were “stolen” from their parents — all had been victims of significant abuse or neglect (and while a few were in kinship care, most were adopted by foster parents). Does this child-stealing happen? Of course. But abuse and neglect are REAL, and while the system is HUGELY flawed, it doesn’t exist to remove children from parents, in exists to keep them safe.

    I’ve only spoken with a few kids adopted from foster care about their feelings about their bio-parents. These were teens who brought it up with me (I didn’t ask). A couple of them were clearly frightened of them still … while another (who’d suffered neglect and not abuse) took pride and interest in his biological family (though he was fully “attached” to his adoptive family, even having been adopted at 11).

  2. I think there’s an extra layer for me because I feel like I was “stolen” from my mom into foster care at 13. I’m glad that adoption was never brought up with me because it would have really been offensive.

    We are also choosing to adopt from foster care for ethical issues. I would like to do the least amount of damage to someone (a kid, a family) as possible. We are hoping for a newborn but these blogs make me so sad. Just once I’d love to read the Happy Adoptee Blog featuring stories about how amazing their life has been. How much they love their adoptive parents. How the relationship with their biological family was honored and respected. How they feel so excited to have two families that love them. I guess that might be twenty on ten, but you know what I mean. I need happy adoptees to start blogging asap! Lol

  3. Which adoptee blogs do you read? I read:
    The Declassified Adoptee
    Love Is Not a Pie (author is an adoptee and an adoptive mom)
    Family Ties
    My Mind on Paper
    Insert Bad Movie Title Here
    Not So Secret Life of an Adoptee
    Earth Stains

    Most of them are fairly neutral, I guess, about being adopted. As far as I can tell, they all love their adoptive families, and those who know them love their biological families as well.

    As an adoptive parent, I definitely think adoption can be good. I think we need to learn from the mistakes of the past. I think there are definitely ethical issues in all adoptions, not just domestic private adoption.

    Adoption is hard. For everyone involved. I think people who choose to blog tend to focus on some of the harder parts, for a variety of reasons. However, there absolutely are articles here and there about happy adoptees. They just don’t get much media coverage, because, you know, tragedy sells.

    • I read some of those blogs and like you said … they seem to be neutral about their personal adoptions, but kind of negative towards adoption in general. I’ll see a “I love my adoptive parents” thrown in here and there, but the focus seems to be on their biological family and the challenges they’ve faced as an adoptee.

      Everyone has the right to feel however they feel, but it just makes me sad. Just once, I’d like to read a book/blog/etc. about a Black kid raised in a Black family that has TONS of good things to say about their childhood and adult life.

      • I bet you could find stories like that if you look in Christian-oriented media, which is generally entirely positive in its reporting/attitude/beliefs re: adoption. While much of this content is by and for white a audience, I would imagine that Black voices are represented, as well.

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