I’m Afraid of … of … the Therapist

Aaaaaaagh!

When we went to our adoption interview I disclosed that I was sexually abused as a child.I didn’t think that I had to hide it because I don’t feel badly about it. I never imagined that it would lead to the interviewer mailing me a letter saying that I would have to be evaluated by a therapist if I wanted to adopt.

I hemmed and hawed about if I even wanted to move forward. I have never felt guilty or bad about being abused because I didn’t do it. It wasn’t my fault. Why should I feel badly? But when I got that letter in the mail … I did feel badly. The county managed to do what my abuser couldn’t … they made me feel like something was wrong with me.

I started our classes and put off scheduling the appointment with a therapist because I wanted to see if we even wanted to move forward with the county adoption. The classes are okay and we’re meeting some nice people. We’re almost half of the way done, so it’s time to move forward. I know that this is a requirement. I’ve tried to realize that it’s not personal (though it’s hard to say that when someone is judging your life and deciding whether you get to parent or not) and that anyone that disclosed sexual abuse would be asked to complete an evaluation …. it’s just … hard.

I think I’ve done well in my life. I have friends and family that I love and that love me. I have been educated at great schools. I have a wonderful partner that accepts me with all of my craziness (“the toilet paper goes on the roll THIS way, not THAT way!” Lol) and I accept his craziness (8 hours of playing Drake? Really? REALLY? Lol) We run a business that brings in money, allows for loads of family time and helps students across the country. I don’t think there is any reason that a therapist would write a negative report about me … but it’s not about what I think. It’s about what they think. This stranger. This person that knows nothing about me has a HUGE decision in their hands.

I don’t know if I’m more afraid that they will call me a nut-job or “invite” me back to “explore” my feelings … for another six months. Ugh! There is nothing that I can do, I’ll have to submit myself to the process, but this is not the experience I had hoped to have adopting my first child.

=(

 

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