A Grandparent’s Loss During Adoption

So I’m reading all of these articles about how adoption starts from loss and I’m thinking about the loss of the parent for the child. I’m thinking about the loss of the child for the parent. It never occurred to me that there was a loss for me (because we’re not infertile) and it never occurred to me that there was a loss for His parents.

Huh?

I never thought about the fact that His parents may have been plotting on some biological grandkids that we have chosen not to deliver on. I never thought that they might be upset. Or sad. Or  … or … anything. I hadn’t really considered that they were part of the equation.

Sometimes I’m really an ass.

We’re pretty close to his parents. We go over there at least once a week. They know that we are adopting, but I’ve left it to Him to talk with them about it. I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea. He talks to his mother, but not his father. I talk with his father, but haven’t really brought up the tough discussions about the adoption. Every now and again we get into arguments about Latinos (of which I am one), sexism (of which I’m totally against), LGBTQ issues (of which I’m staunchly an advocate for) and a myriad of other things that didn’t seem like big things until now.

I’m afraid that if we don’t talk about these things now there will be some ugliness later. I’m afraid to bring them up now because his family’s style is to be passive-aggressive where my family’s style is to be up-front. Our styles clash and there have been interactions that have left us incommunicado for weeks at a time. Ugh.

I’m not sure what to do. Do I bring things up now and get it over with or wait until later and hope that it isn’t as bad as I think it might be?

Ideas?

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4 thoughts on “A Grandparent’s Loss During Adoption

  1. Maybe approach them with a “homework” assignment for your homestudy where you are “forced” to interview them to find out what they think? I know we had to speak for our families for the homestudy during OUR interview process to get a grasp on how our families felt about us fostering or even eventually adopting. The licensing worker didn’t ask for actual proof but I was thankful I had already approached my family so my answer wasn’t wishy-washy.

    • I love that idea! I’m not sure how to go about it since they know that we are done with classes. It wasn’t even mentioned in our classes. =(

  2. I just found your blog tonight and am enjoying it so far!! You described my family dynamics perfectly! My In-laws are passive agressive and also a “listen to your elders” and “your elders are always right” kinda family. My family we lay things out- no hard feelings just the facts. It makes it hard because I just want to lay things out but know it would start WWIII. My MIL took the news we were adopting rather then trying fertility treatments very hard. To this day she holds it against me. I coach my husband but always have him talk with them. I think they take it better from him then me. Although during our wait my MIL let it be known she “preferred” a biological grandchild once baby girl was born she fell instantly in love. She doesn’t fully understand why we want an open adoption and seems threatened by the birth family but I think that in time will fade as she sees we wont back down (I hope).

    • THANK YOU! I’m glad to hear that there is hope! Lol I’ve heard people say that once they baby is here they will fall in love, but it’s good to hear it from someone that’s experiencing it now. A million thanks! Maybe things will be okay. =)

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