Home Study: Joint Interview

Today we had part one of our foster care home study (the joint interview). You always hear people say it’s not as bad as you think it will be and … it wasn’t.

Our adoption worker came over, sat in a chair in the living room while we sat on the floor (yes, we’re weird like that) and talked to us about what kind of kid we are looking to adopt. She went over our intake form and clarified about if we’d take a kid with fetal alcohol syndrome or a kid that was blind or a kid that has a heart murmur. She was awesome about explaining what each thing is and letting us chat a bit about if we’d like to say “yes” or “no” to a call about a baby with said issue.

After we chatted, she took a look at our house (we were in the middle of washing clothes – ugh!) and the backyard. I have no idea what she’s going to write in her report, but she seemed like she thought that we weren’t crazy! Lol

The whole thing took maybe an hour. It was really nice talking with her actually. I’m SO glad that we got her and not someone else. I really feel comfortable with her …. and that’s good because the next thing we have to do is go to her office for our individual interviews. Now, that I am not looking forward to. If you remember what happened the last time I was interviewed in their offices then you’d understand.

You know what? This is a whole new situation with a whole new person. I’m going to stay positive and move forward. After all …  someone in the Thursday adoption class (we were in the Tuesday class) was just matched with a 15 month old this week.

#StayPositive

 

 

 

Foster Care, Santa Claus and Lies

There is no way that I can adopt a kid from foster care that is old enough to talk.

I was just on the adoption boards reading about a foster mother that was asked by her foster child why Santa never found them before? The child asked if it was because the child was bad?

Most of the advice on the board was about how to lie some more to the child to make them feel better. I’m not for lying to children. There is no Santa Claus. Anyhoo … this is more about one person’s response that if the biological parents ARE telling the kid(s) that there is a Santa Claus then you can’t tell the kids the truth or the birth parents could get upset with you. Really? REALLY?!

It’s obvious to me that I cannot be around a child that can speak because once the parent finds out that I don’t believe in god, don’t lie to children, and have little respect for authority I’m going to be in big trouble! Lol

The adoption worker asked that we be honest with her, so at least this will help us be specific! A child 0 – 1 year old it is! Lol

 

 

 

Concurrent Planning or Adoptive Home?

We’re adopting from foster care and we’re going to have to decide whether we want  to be a concurrent planning family  or an adoptive family.

Concurrent Family

If we decide to be a concurrent planning family then a child will be placed with us though the plan for the child is to be reunited with their family. If the baby cannot go back to their family then the child will stay with us and be adopted by us.

If the baby is able to be reunited then  we have just spent the last 2 months, 8 months, year, year and a half … attaching to a baby that we cannot adopt. We have also missed an opportunity to be matched with a different baby, because we were keeping our fingers crossed to adopt this baby.

Adoptive Family

If we decide that we only want to be matched with babies that are definitely going to be adopted then we might lose out on a match because the  concurrent planning homes (where the baby has been for the last 2 months, 8 months, year, year and a half are, of course, given the option to adopt.

That means that we might have a loooooong wait ahead of us. I would think that most concurrent planning homes would  be thrilled to adopt the baby that they’ve been caring for over the last 2 months, 8 months, year, year and a half.

The Decision

What makes it more difficult is that He is totally against being a concurrent planning family because he’s concerned about getting  too emotionally attached to a baby that will leave us. I can TOTALLY understand that. We already have a nursery decorated and I’m wondering if sticking babies in them as they come and rotating them out as they go is a good thing. Also, we’re no spring chickens, What if we end up waiting a year, two years  …. and then end up giving up because we’re starting to get too old?

Ugh!

I guess we’re going to adoptive home route, but I gotta say …. I’m really nervous about it.

Keep It 100 … Well, Maybe 95

I have nothing to add to the great way this birth mom, or “tummy mummy” as she calls herself, spells it out ….

What I have noticed in all of these profiles are some very similar themes.  Now, I don’t know if there are “requirements or elements” that have to be satisfied in these, but they all feature pretty much the same things. I am sure that the point of the profiles is to showcase themselves at their very best, perhaps to fufill the “picture perfect, fairy tale ending” for a baby in order to attract a birthmom. Nice house, nice cars, always tons of hobbies, and I notice that these profiles always mention that they live in a “fantastic school district”. There is always the charming “About Us” story, where they met and fell in love at first sight. And then there are the crazy pictures of the couple with random kids…nieces, nephews, neighbours…and always at some fantastic place like Disneyland or the ocean, or a big carnival. And then finally…my personal favorite…the “About Husband from the Wife” and vice versa section. Sometimes I just shake my head and thank God I will never have to do that. I cannot imagine the stress and the frustration that must come in having to think all that up.

I never looked at L* & M*’s “little book”. Looking back, and realizing how much effort probably went into it, I often wonder if that upset them. I told them from the start that I was more interested in seeing pictures of them after they had been wide awake and unshowered for three days. Or dragging all of those “nieces, nephews, and neighbour’s kids” through Wal-Mart at 9 p.m. to do grocery shopping on a budget. Or when they were busting at the seams from a cold and a migraine, and still having to get up at 7a.m. to try and find a missing shoe or a homework packet. I wanted to know that they fought like normal people from time to time, and that they didn’t have white furniture, and that their house could get messy. I secretley hoped that they too had to deal with a crazy ex wife, or anything that would make them more real. Even after telling them that, they ALWAYS maintained their “Best Behaviour”. But why…? They knew I was giving them a child…they knew I would not change my mind…and they knew I just wanted them to be normal people who would love this baby more than they loved themselves. But the plastic facade remained. And it is currently sitting in thousands of hopeful couples profiles. Personally…I think its bullshit. I understand the logic…but I still think its bullshit.

I. Love. This. Post.

Please read the rest  of it here.

 

Just Realized That We’re Not Married

So …. I just realized that my partner and I aren’t actually married.

I never think about it. We had a ceremony (I wore a green dress I made myself, family was there, we had a cake that looked like a chess board). We pledged our love (with music that we edited ourselves so we would walk down the aisle … yes, we both walked, we could express ourselves). We live together and take care of each other, but we never turned in the paperwork to be legally married. We thought about it, but we decided against it. We’re not really into the whole our-relationship-isn’t-valid-until-it’s-recognized-by-the-government kind of people. We met back in undergrad more than ten years ago and we’ve been married for four years. On a day-to-day basis we don’t think about the legalities of our relationship … we just are.

As we travel along our adoption journey however I’m noticing our strange we are. I don’t want to adopt as a “single” person because I’m not single. I would like birthparents that are considering our family to do just that: consider our family (one He, one Her and one pup).

We could just go down to the courthouse and file the correct paperwork and be done with it, but I’d rather not. It’s not who we are. Are there any other options? Do we have to be legally married to be able to adopt together?

My Husband Made Me Awesome-er

I’m not a really big gusher, but this morning I realized (again) what a gem I have in my partner. So, I’m standing in the mirror combing my hair thinking about the questions that we might be asked in our initial interview. I start thinking about how:

• My mom has made me the way I am – Awesome!
• My mom is a drunk.
• I get my good qualities from her and my bad qualities from my maternal Grandmother.
• My maternal Grandmother’s bad qualities (that I share) are aloofness and a certain emotional detachment from the world.
• Over the years I’ve gotten “softer”.
• Have I gotten “softer” or am I just feeling the feelings that I’ve been feeling and not acknowledged?

Am I feeling more feelings because of my partner? He is an AMAZING person that takes me for what I am. He doesn’t judge me. Last night he said that he always liked that I was my own person. What others see as a failing in me, he sees as a strength!

I don’t want to embarrass him, but I really think we have something good. We are really different, but we fit together very well. I can’t imagine raising a family with anyone but him. I’m so glad that I have a true partner in my relationship.

Shout out to all the awesome partners!

=)

First Interview for Foster-Adopt

Guess what?!

We just got our letter inviting us to an initial foster-adopt interview! Yay! The letter says that we’ll be there for two hours. In the orientation they mentioned that there would be individual interviews as well as a joint interview. I’m not really sure what to expect.

Does anyone have experience with these things? What types of questions should we expect?

Maybe It Won’t Happen

I just ran across this article on AdoptiveFamiliesCircle.com. It talks about how people tell you that it will happen. You will be able to adopt a baby. You will be able to build your family through adoption….. and then … it doesn’t happen. The author talks about how they feel when others tell them it will happen and that they need to hang in there.

It really struck a chord with me. So many people are interested in offering empty platitudes. They tell you these general feel-good tidbits in an effort to make you feel better, but in the end when it doesn’t happen you just feel worse.

I’m not sure how our journey is going to turn out, but I hope that if someone (a social worker, agency person, etc.) familiar with our situation really feels like it’s not going to happen …. I hope that they are honest enough to tell us.

Non Believers and Adoption

Would you let these people adopt your kid?

There are several reasons why I think we won’t be chosen as an adoptive family, but the fact that we are “non-believers” tops the list. Almost all of the organizations seem to be based in some type of faith.

We are good people. We are caring. We are compassionate. We love to read, debate, and travel. We play Jeopardy! every night (I usually win … Lol). We dance with our dog. We do not attend any religious services. We do not observe any religious holidays. Both of us have worked with children as a career and we both have children in our family that we love, but we do not believe in god.

I wonder what organization would let us register and then I wonder what parent(s) would choose us? I look at adoption boards all the time and almost everyone is talking about god. How they are expecting good things because they believe god will give those things to them. How god is blessing them. I usually just ignore it. I’m not one to pick a fight, but I’m concerned that there will be pointed questions in the near future about our beliefs … or lack thereof.

Oh well …. we are who we are and that’s all that we are!